Edward
My eyes were closing from exhaustion. I felt so tired, my body felt like stone. Like I couldn’t move. Something light and annoying was touching me, gliding from my right leg to my groin and then up to my chest. The back of my head was stuck in the pillow, and my eyes were clamped shut, so I had no idea what it was. Something warm and soft was leaving light wet spots on my body. My nerves were tingling, eager for more, but I was unable to anticipate the next spot, or to order my arms to move and push it away. The wet butterfly lingered on my left nipple, circling it, blowing on it, and biting it.
Butterflies didn’t have teeth; they weren’t warm either. Maybe it was a cat. Cats had wet noses and they loved to lap with their little rough tongues. And this one sure as hell knew how to lap at my nipple. This tongue was way to big for a cat though. And how come I didn’t feel his paws on my chest?
Bigger than a cat, way bigger, according to the warmth surrounding me.
My brain wanted to panic while my body surrendered to the pleasure of being kissed and licked.
Too tired to panic. Let’s just enjoy being nibbled away while losing consciousness.
The moist and warm undefined entity was now nuzzling my chin, pushing my head to the side, to have better access to my neck.
Of course, now my head is moving!
My body was more responsive to the foreign presence above me than to myself. Small bites from my collarbone to my ear ate away my annoyance and nourished my arousal. With one last lick tracing my jaw to my lips, the creature whispered, “I love the taste of your skin, Love.”
Jasper?
“I want to lick every part of you...devour your mouth, your cock, your ass…”
He murmured on my lips and I inhaled his scent and shivered.
Warm cocoa. He tasted like melted chocolate, coating my tongue with his savor, surrounding all my senses with his powerful fragrance. I was lost in him, in his scent, and in his caress. I breathed him in, trying not to exhale, to keep him inside me just a little longer. I felt his nose brushing mine, caressing the side softly, and coming closer to my lips.
The world suddenly tipped over and I was on my feet, pushed against a wall.
“Look at me, Edward!” screamed an aggressive voice.
Bright sunlight abruptly shined through the large windows of the family house, as if it woke up too quickly from its rest. The light dazzled me, flashing red and orange in my eyes.
“How dare you presenting yourself to me! And naked! Edward? Are you listening?”
Dad?
I scanned the room trying to find him, my eyelids barely opened, fighting the luminosity. Where the hell was he? Checking once again that my Father’s study room was in fact empty and my dad was nowhere in sight, I relaxed and looked around for something to cover my bare body.
“Hmmm, I love having you naked; it makes it easier to do this.”
I was startled by Jasper’s firm hand grabbing my softening cock, bringing it back to life immediately. I moaned, my head falling on his shoulders. My back arched towards him, my ass grinning against his shaft. One of his hands snaked around to my balls, teasing me and increasing my whimpers.
“Jasper! Stop … my… Dad…” His maddening caresses were leaving me breathless, and weakening my protests.
“You want me to stop?” He was nibbling at my neck; his stubble was grazing my skin and sending shivers through my body. He had one hand still on my cock, while pinching my nipple with the other.
Damn, he is good at multitasking!
“Edward! Stop your debauched behavior right now. The guests are arriving!”
The violent shout from my Dad brought me back to reality. I needed to stop that and get dressed quickly. If Dad and Jasper were to meet, it had to be in the best conditions. And both of us undressed definitely didn’t meet those requirements. But Jazz clearly had other ideas. He secured my body against his and his shaft nestling even more against my ass.
“You should offer him a racket for his birthday. He needs to hit something bad!” Jasper was chuckling in my neck, his hands on my hips. I couldn’t control my body, nor could I run, hide, cry, or disappear. My whole being was only reacting to Jasper’s touch, trembling from his caresses, impossibly turned on. I was screaming inside, trying to get away from the whole scene, mortified by my actions, afraid to get caught by Father, who could enter the room any minute.
This is a total nightmare.
“I’ll protect you. I’m here for you.” Jasper’s melodic voice morphed into a light blue silky cloth that draped around me, shielding my body against the impact of a huge wave that washed me out of the house. My body was tossed around, not by water, but by coins and bills. The sea of money was hurting me; hundreds of paper cuts making me bleed out, leaving me lifeless on the concrete floor.
Unable to move my body and get up, I just continued lying there, watching the sky. I discerned a softly pink and well-designed tower above me, with only two blue windows, and a mop of lights cascading from the top.
So beautiful! So peaceful!
I reached to touch the building, but it faded away, leaving emptiness in the firmament as well as in my heart.
No!
Loud vibrations covered my cry as sketched skyscrapers appeared around me. They looked strangely familiar, until I recognized them as my drawings. Some were dilapidated with windows broken and bricks falling from the walls; others were leaning on one side, threatening to fall down very soon. The ones standing properly had red markers all over them and giant F's underlined multiple times.
No!
I felt heart-broken and light-headed, seeing my ideas, my future really, ruined and neglected. The world began spinning around me faster and faster, until all the skyscrapers became blurry and I had to close my eyes so I didn't feel sick.
Everything abruptly stopped as I woke up, lying on Jasper's bed.
Well, that was one very fucked up nightmare.
Rubbing my face with my hands, I rolled on my back. Scrubbing away this bad dream, I tried to get comfortable enough to fall asleep again. But images kept coming back in my mind, leaving me on edge. Everything was just so frightening. Since I received the damn cheque, I felt so insecure about my current life, my future, my aspirations…I was so confused. I had no idea what to do. Jasper wisely suggested to just keeping things the way they were until I figured something out. So, I was still studying to become an architect and from time to time I was sitting somewhere, my head in my hands, desperately trying to see things through. Unfortunately, I had absolutely no clue about what I truly wanted. Since that bloody post it, I just felt full of doubts about everything. Did I even want to become an architect? Was it for me or for him? I was basically questioning everything I was, everything I desired just to be sure it was really me and not some dream of my father's.
The only thing that was mine, truly and undoubtedly, was Jasper. He was still sound asleep on the other side of the bed. His head was under the pillow, his body so close from the edge of the bed that he could fall.
I had more or less moved in with him. He was my home, my peace, and my love. He was so patient with me, so supportive. He knew when to give me advice, when I needed him close, or if he should offer me space. After taking me to the boxing club and making me hit that bag, he let me decide if I wanted to try that again. I was still pretty mad at my Dad, but I couldn’t bring myself to go back there and actually be that violent again. It was liberating but the flow of anger going out had been too exhausting and traumatizing to experience it on a regular basis. I needed something more relaxing, a way to express without feeling like I was crazy. Playing piano had always been my main outlet but as I didn’t have access to the house, it couldn't be anymore. Jasper had encouraged me to draw, but it was too related to my studies.
Passing in front of a notebook stand at a bookstore one day, I had stopped and looked at them. I had grabbed brown leather one, with a long string to close it. I liked the feel of the texture under my fingertips, and the smell of it. I could picture myself writing on it and found myself smiling at the thought.
Maybe this is the outlet I am looking for: writing.
The letter to my Dad had helped me a lot; it made me feel better. But after receiving his short and painful answer, I had also felt guilty for sending it to him. Should I have been more considerate, giving him more time to adjust instead of lashing out at him?
We are even.
Three little words that would torment me during my whole life. I was still so furious at him. Twenty years of raising me and he wiped me off his life with a few dollars, paying my studies to get rid of me.
A sea of money hurting me, hundreds of paper cuts bleeding me out.
The nightmare was disturbingly accurate. His cheque had wounded my heart, making me want to use it for something totally different than my studies. I had an increasing desire to just let it all go and leave. Where? I didn’t know. Travel around the world maybe or visit some friends and family. Just discovering places that I would never get a chance to see again. I was just twenty. I had plenty of time to settle, get a diploma, find a job and earn money.
Plus, honestly, I needed a change of scenery. Doing it here, in a town where my father was, was just driving me crazy. I felt in a cage. My Dad was constantly in my head barking at me about what I should or shouldn’t do. I really needed to get away from him and think for myself. I knew I wanted to get a diploma and in the near future, a job. I was sure of that. Though I just wasn’t sure in which area I wanted to work in. I really needed to make sure that what I would choose would be for me and not because I wanted to please my father.
I was rambling, never managing to get my head around all my thoughts, or being able to make a decision. Looking at the alarm clock on the bedside table, I realized that two hours had passed and I was still perfectly awake.
Shit! Tomorrow is going to be an awfully long day!
My eyes landed on Jasper’s form, which moved closer to me. One of his arms had wrapped around me, embracing me, while his legs tangled in mine. A contented sigh escaped his beautiful lips as he nuzzled my neck to find the perfect spot to rest his head.
I smiled with fondness at my sleeping lover, entwining my hands in his and turning my head to breathe his scent. How lucky was I to have found him? My guardian angel. He was even protecting me in his sleep, holding me as if he perceived my distress. Feeling safe against him, I closed my eyes savoring his warmness and fell asleep.
--oOo--
I woke up to the feeling of hands snaking around my hips and removing my underwear. A light and smooth skin was mapping the shape of my morning hard-on as it was revealed.
I fought against sleep, reaching out to wake up and open my eyes. The previous nightmare was still in my mind and I really needed to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.
Lifting my head, my eyes opened on a hungry mouth, taking me all inside. The coral lips wrapped around my shaft and brushing my hairs were attached to the lustful face of Jasper. Seeing him lying between my legs, staring at me avidly and moaning, definitely woke me up. My head fell back on the pillow, one hand grasping desperately the sheets and the other squeezing his shoulder. I could feel my cock swell at his sensual touch. My whole body was so compelled by him, his movements on my cock, and his hands on my ass, pushing it up so I could go even deeper into his mouth. Incoherent sounds were escaping my mouth between two shaky breaths. He let me go, licking me from the base to the tip and then blew some warmness on me. I was a breath away from coming, all hard and dripping.
“Don’t cum. Not yet.”
I whimpered at his commanding tone, unsure if I could respect his order, and ready to beg to just let me do it anyway.
Wetness on my balls brought my thoughts back to Jasper. He was licking his fingers, right in front of them, sending goose bumps from my waist down. Nuzzling the base of my cock, he eased one and then two fingers in my tight hole. I undulated back against his hand, mewling inarticulately, desperate to have more of him in me.
“Please Jasper!”
He answered my plea by taking my cock all in, while pushing further into me, finding my most sensitive spot. I cried out again and again, matching the rhythm he used to brush against it.
“Jazz… Ready…Now…”
His hands left my body, reaching for condoms and lube and giving me a few minutes to breathe deeply. I was on the verge of cumming and if I wanted it to last, I seriously needed to calm down. I made the mistake to look at Jasper while he prepared himself for me. His flawless skin, silky and hot under my palm, and his perfect and firm abs was such an erotic sight that all idea of relaxation were instantly forgotten. I wanted him fast, rough, and hard.
Coming back to me, he folded me in half and put my knees on my shoulders. He leaned on me, stealing my breath with his kiss, sliding his tongue between my lips as his cock pushed against me.
He entered me slowly, giving me time to adjust while biting on my bottom lip and kissing my chin. Sneaking my tongue out, I licked his lips once, signaling to him that he could move.
He pushed his shaft inside me, brushing my prostate, driving me crazy with need, and then retreating completely, making me whimper from the loss before he thrust back in, coercing wanton moans out of me while he opened me again and again. I wasn’t quite sure if it was too much or not nearly enough.
Taking me over and over, Jasper went deeper with each movement, his hands on my thighs, securing me against his shoulders, his tongue in my mouth, mimicking his thrusts.
I felt helpless, deliciously assaulted by the one I love, trying to just keep up with him. My own cock was bobbing on my abs, wetness leaking all over it, highly aware of the warmth of Jasper’s skin, but too far to give any release. Bringing my hand to touch it, I was surprised by Jasper slapping it away.
“Mine.”
And then it was just too intense, too overwhelming… He licked my neck, from the collarbone to my chin, while tightening his fist around my hypersensitive cock. His lustful and determined gaze never left my face as he started to move up and down my shaft. I wanted to close my eyes but was hypnotized by him. Smirking, he leaned down and bit my neck hard, sending shivers all over my body and making me cum instantly.
A symphony of wild moans resonated in the room, soon echoed by Jasper’s who thrust even harder in me. He fell onto me, freeing my legs and hugging me tight. Dizzy and shaky, I lost myself in his embrace as Jasper murmured: “Good Morning, Love.”
--oOo--
I hated Riley. My dear roommate had been utter shit to me all day long at school, following me everywhere and asking lots of questions about “my new and beautiful life” with “my older man”.
“You know, Jazz is just like your Dad. He wants something young and pretty on his arm. I give it until you are twenty-one before he is kicking you out of his bed and finding a newer model!"
Since Riley had opened his big fat mouth, my heart couldn’t stop racing. Was it really like this? Was I fooling myself? Would Jasper abandon me in a blink of an eye for some random younger guys? I didn’t know much about his past, how many boyfriends he had. I knew about a guy, Felix, with whom he stayed two years. He wasn’t happy with him because he was too demanding, too whiny. Maybe I was too. Maybe he was fed up with me. After all he had to put up with a lot of my problems. Maybe he thought it was too much and just didn’t really care. Maybe I didn’t handle the situation well enough. I was not the only gay guy who was rejected by his parents. So, obviously I could have been more prepared. Or, was it my lack of decisions? Jasper must thought that I was not a man because I was unable to decide what I wanted to do, how to proceed. I was not really an adult. Well, I was supposed to be, but maybe I was lacking skills.
Stop rambling, Edward, and go talk to him.
The rational side of my brain was telling me that Jasper wasn’t like that and would never leave me. He was in love with me. But my heaving stomach, flustered heart, and sweaty hands were telling me something totally different: I was scared to lose him; terrified that he would leave me. I loved him like I had never ever loved anyone in my whole life. It looked like a total cliché, when I thought about it, but it was true. Jasper was giving me the air I breathed, the strength I needed, the armor I was wearing against the hazards of life. Not literally, of course. But his loving presence by my side sufficed to comfort me and made me ready to face the world. If he decided that he was tired of me and moved on, I wouldn’t be able to deal with whatever would be happening to me. Maybe this made me a lesser man, maybe I was really too young for him. I didn’t know. But I really needed to find out.
Trying not to cut myself while preparing dinner, I was still thinking about how I could try to ask the question to Jazz without being too obvious. Lost in my thoughts, I didn’t see two strong arms embracing me and pulling me against a hard chest.
“Hey Love.” Jasper murmured as he began to kiss the nape of my neck, sending shivers down my spine. My body reactions to him kept on amazing me. The simplest touches were driving me crazy and I couldn’t seem to stop wanting him closer to me.
Letting go of the knife, I relaxed against him, and let his warmness surround me.
I feel so safe in his arms. I just can’t lose him.
“Don’t leave me.” He froze into my back making me realize that I just whispered my thoughts. Shit! Why did I blurb it out like this? The last time I did something like this, I lost my family. How stupid was I to do it again? Yet, I needed to know and anyway, the damage was already done.
“Don’t go, Jasper.” His embrace tightened around me as he brought his lips against the shell of my ear.
“I am not going anywhere, Edward.”
“You won’t leave me once you get fed up with me?”
Jasper stepped back and turned me around, his eyes full of concern. Leaning against the kitchen counter, I glanced quickly up at him before turning my eyes on the floor, my face flushed in embarrassment.
You need to be strong, Edward. Show him you are an adult. Face him.
Strengthening my resolve, I met his eyes again and explained myself.
“You told me to speak with you if I didn’t feel ok.”
Jasper cautiously nodded and waited for me to continue.
“Do you plan on leaving me? I mean, once I am older, and not interesting any more.”
Jasper looked completely puzzled and kept staring at me, his head tilting to the side, eyebrows raised in question.
“This didn’t come out well. What I am trying to say is…”
“Will I abandon you like your Mum and Dad did?”
His sentence created a sharp pang in my chest, preventing me from breathing and making my heart squeeze in distress. His gaze was so fierce that I couldn’t stand looking at him anymore and closed my eyes. Letting my head down, I tried to hide my face behind my falling locks.
I wanted to shout at him “NO, this isn’t what I meant.” But I guessed that was exactly my fears. He read my emotions and doubts so easily and exposed them to me, leaving me to face the naked truth.
I have abandonment issues. Way to look like a man!
He stepped towards me and held me tight. “I am not going anywhere, Edward. I am not your Dad, nor your Mum. I choose you. I want you. I am here for you.”
I nodded, my head pressed in his neck, my arms reaching for him and bringing him closer. Feeling utterly stupid but desperate to get a confirmation from him, I asked. “Even after I am twenty-one?”
Leaning back and taking my face in his hands, he obliged me to look at him.
“Even when you’ll be sixty or older. I love you. You are not getting rid of me anytime soon, unless you want me to.”
“NO! I don’t want to. I …” Tears were falling on my cheeks as I whispered, “ I need you, Jasper.”
“I am here. I am planning to be here for you every step of the way.”
I nodded again, catching a shaky breath.
“I won’t leave you.”
“Ok.”
Sweeping my tears away, he held me once again, one hand on the back of my neck, playing with my hair, and the other on my back, pushing my chest against his. I clung onto him, realizing how messed up this whole altercation with my Father had made me. Well, that and apparently the disappearance of my Mum.
“I am so messed up.”
Chuckling, Jasper murmured in my ear, “You are just going through a rough time. And you are handling it quite well so far.”
“I am not handling anything. I am unable to make a decision, to know what to do. I feel so lost. I wouldn’t be if I was an adult, but I am unfinished now.”
De-tangling himself from me, he took my hand and looked at me. “Unfinished?” he laughed. “Being an adult doesn’t mean knowing what to do in all circumstances or have answers for all the questions. Nobody is ready to become an adult. Nobody really is an adult, honestly. We are just people trying to do our best to be happy. With each situation we face, we take decisions based on our experiences, hoping it is the best one, but not knowing for sure. You feel lost, confused, and full of doubt. Well, I am afraid you are as close to an adult as one can be. There is no state of serenity, Love. Being an adult just means taking responsibilities for your actions; it doesn’t mean having innate knowledge.”
“Are you scared as well? About what?”
“My promotion and the new responsibilities I have at work. I don’t know how to handle some of my co-workers who don’t accept that I am their boss now.”
He paused, leaning against me, his lips so close to mine, his eyes glittering with sincerity.
“I am also scared to fail you, not to give you enough love or support. I hate being unable to protect you from all of this. I know I am not really supposed to, but I would love hiding you away and preventing any pain from touching you ever again.”
Closing the distance, he kissed me tenderly. I sighed in his mouth, so relieved and contented by his words. I was amazed that we loved each other so deeply and completed each other in such a short time. I didn’t have much experience about relationships, but I knew this kind of love was precious. Now I felt guilty for doubting him. He never even gave me any signals that would prove my fears and yet I was so scared to see him gone. I was clearly confusing Jasper with my parents and I didn’t know if it was a sign that he was truly a great part of my life, or if I needed to deal with my family issues. Probably both.
I wish being an adult was easy.
I wasn’t ready to be one, even though it seems I already was. Jasper’s explanation made me feel a bit better about the whole thing, although I was probably more scared knowing there was not perfect decisions or solutions to anything.
I guess I must take baby steps and see.
According to the state of my stomach, my first decision would be to have dinner.
“I need comfort food. Do you mind eating outside?”
Chuckling, he teased me, “You don’t consider vegetables as comfort food?”
I answered sheepishly, “Hmm… yeah, well, not exactly. I was thinking pasta…”
“Sure, I know a great Italian restaurant not too far from here. I’ll get the car and pick you up out front."
“Ok. I need a few minutes to clean the mess I made here anyway.”
“Do you need some help?”
“No, I’ll be very quick, don’t worry.”
Pulling me closer to him, he mouthed on my lips, “I love you” and then kissed me. Before I could lose myself in his embrace, he stepped back, smiled, and squeezed my hand.
He let go as I kept my eyes on him, while he walked towards the door, grabbing his keys and opening the door. With a last smiley glance and a wink, he stepped outside.
Grinning, I started to put the kitchen in order with brisk movements. Collecting my vest and my keys, I checked over the flat one last time, making sure windows were closed, before leaving and closing the door.
Once outside the building, I was surprised to see that Jasper wasn't there yet. Stepping back inside the lobby to wait, I tried to find my phone to call him and realized I left it in the flat.
Great!
Too lazy to fetch it, I huffed down the path to the open-air garage. It was only a block away, so Jasper was certainly still there. I smiled, thinking he more than likely had been caught up talking to someone he knew. I just hoped it wasn’t the guy from the car dealership, with whom he could talk hours with, because I was starving. Emotional moments always tended to make me hungry and right now my stomach was growling loudly.
When I finally reached the garage, I was surprised to see Jasper's car sill parked in its usual spot. Jasper was nowhere to be seen. Wondering just where the hell he could have gotten to and cursing myself for forgetting my phone, I walked towards his car.
When I saw what looked like fingers just sticking out past the back wheel, dread filled me as my stomach began to twist and turn.
"Jasper?"
I really hope you are playing around with me.
My heart began to beat wildly in my chest as I reached the back of the car. Choking out a sob, I dropped to my knees: Jasper was out cold on the floor, his face covered in blood and swelling.
--- "Santa Maria (del Buen Ayre)"- Gotan Project ---"Satellite Heart"-- Anya Marina --- "I'm no Angel" -- Dido
AN : I am sorry for the delay in posting! I don't have any chapter in stock (I am not that organized!), so if I don't write it, you unfortunately don't get it. Between moving in a new flat and my family coming from far away to spend time with us, I didn't get much time to sit and write. I'll be on holiday abroad next week, so, hopefully, the next update should be posted around the end of May.
Hugs, dozen of loving kisses, and thank you to my wonderful pre-reading/beta Dream Team: OCDJen and Mrs. Agget (Check her fic "Mismatch Made In Heaven"). Having you every step of the way, while writing and plotting, is a never-ending pleasure, Ladies!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
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