Kiss Me Again - Chapter 7: "Hold On"

Jasper

I felt empty. The space previously taken by the anger and pain was now a giant hole from my heart to my stomach, pressing on me, heavy with void, preventing me to get up. Crumbled on the floor, my breathing still shaky, I swept away the tears falling on my face with the backs of my hands. I felt utterly numb and exhausted. My throat was hurting; raw from all the shouting I had done, expressing my distress and my rage. My hands were aching from grasping the bat too tightly while hitting the used heavy bag. My body felt as tortured as my mind.

Now that the whole situation was out, I should have been able to comprehend it. But nothing made sense. My boss, Irina, had used me as a pawn in a chess match I was unaware of even playing. Her opponent was Royce, the man she lusted after, the one she wanted to have at her mercy. She wanted him to beg her for his promotion, but he refused it all. He neither wanted to sleep with her nor let her dominate him. Instead, he decided to teach her a lesson and steal some of her clients. If she really wanted to play, he would show her what kind of adversary he was. This game had been quite harmless and pretty beneficial for the company, until Irina gave me the promotion, including an unknown parameter in the equation. And this parameter had enflamed the whole situation a few weeks later just because of its sexual orientation, becoming the ideal substitute to Irina. What kind of gentleman would attack a woman anyway? What kind of man would even recognize publically being fooled by a woman? And on top of that, what kind of person could accept to have his job taken by a fag? Certainly not Royce. Having lost to Irina, unable to find a way to get his revenge, or punish her physically, he decided to punish me, the unworthy gay. That certainly was the manly thing to do, kicking the faggot’s ass. I was the perfect outlet for his anger and frustration.

Their stupid game of power ended badly. It could have been worse, mind you. I could have died. Luckily, I didn’t. The fag was alive, and supposedly not man enough to feel humiliated by all of this. I was not sure if I should be scared that someone hated me enough to nearly kill me, angry that I had been just a pawn in a bigger game, or mortified that it has never been about me at all. I didn’t get the promotion thanks to my merits. Well, maybe I had. But now, who would believe it? The doubt would be there all the freaking time, worming its way inside the whole company and, more importantly, inside my heart. Rumors would always surround me.

I was such a fool!

So, I resigned. I hadn’t even thought about it. It had been a pure impulse decision, an act of self-preservation that I didn’t regret. It has been my way to regain my dignity, to be my own man again and their plaything no more. My way to recover.

Until then, I had just been surviving, clinging to Edward, focusing on him, because let’s be clear: I was too petrified to even start considering what had happened to me. I knew how to take care of him; I didn’t know how to take care of myself. I certainly didn’t know where to begin. Discovering the whole truth had woken me up abruptly. I was still dazed, but surely more alive and conscious than I have been so far. But damn, did it hurt! At least, I knew why now.

I want to go home.

Slowly, I got up, supported by the wall behind me. With a throbbing head and sore muscles, I walked to the exit, cutting the lights and closing the door of the gym behind me. Once sitting in my car, I put my forehead on the steering wheel, knocking my glasses and pushing them harder on the bridge of my nose.

I hate those damn glasses!

Bella had pushed me to buy black-rimmed ones, and I nearly caved, but I didn’t feel comfortable with them. I wanted something very discrete, with no frame: seeing the world through two windows circled in black made me claustrophobic. Bella had pouted, but I stood firmly. I had enough shit to deal with, without adding a pair of stupid spectacles to my annoyance. I knew I had made a good choice when Edward welcomed me home, stopping in the middle of his sentence to look at me. The intense kiss and delightful love making that followed had showed me better than any words how sexy he found me. Since then, each time I had put my glasses on, he would unconsciously lick his lips, his eyes riveted on me, his thoughts lost in some naughty fantasies. But as soon as he would catch me looking at him, he would blush, biting his bottom lip and turning his head to hide. I loved when he did that. It made me feel special and loved each and every time.

I need Edward.

Starting the car, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Since the attack, he has been my refuge and the guardian of my sanity. My previous relationship had me running far away from any kind of connection. Yet, since he was in my life, I just couldn’t get enough of him. The desperation, the need to feel his skin against mine, to kiss every inch of him, to bathe in his warmth was sometimes so intense, that I would groan just thinking about it. Just like now.

God, I am pathetic… Or dramatically in love.

Keeping my thoughts on the road, I arrived to the flat in no time. I found a spot to park just a street away from home, in a well-illuminated area, and I was relieved not to have to use the garage. I haven’t been there since the attack. The idea made me too uncomfortable.

You need to man-up, Jasper. You can’t let fear dictate your life anymore.

Taking a deep breath, I started the car again and drove to the parking garage.

Everything is fine. Royce isn’t there. He is in jail. Everything is fine.

As I entered it, I felt goose bumps creeping in all over me. Stopping the car, I became unsure of what to do next. I needed to prove to myself that I was the one in control of my life, and not someone else. And for that, I just needed to drive to my spot, a few hundred meters further, and park. Then, I would get out of my car, lock it, and try not to run like a crazy person to the flat.

I should have tried this in bright daylight.

A part of me wanted to just turn away and forget about the whole idea. Another part of me was shouting loudly that I had to be strong and just go.

There is no monster hidden in the shadows, so stop it!

My feet obeyed my command before the scared-me was able to think again, and the car moved to my parking spot. I negotiated with myself that I would still be a man if I checked out the area to make sure it was safe before exiting the car. Taking it slow made me cautious, not cowardly and it was perfectly all right to be afraid. I just had to not chicken out.

Once parked, I switched off the car and listened to the silence. My hands were clenching on the steering wheel, as I realized that I needed to unlock the door to actually get out. Groaning, I banged my head a few times on the headrest. Breathing deeply once again, I gave myself five seconds to panic before behaving rationally.

One – Royce is right there waiting for you to get out

Two – He may have brought more friends

Three – And this time he will kill you

Four – You will suffer like hell feeling their punches but unable to move

Five – And it’s Edward who will find you, dead on the ground

Edward. Edward is home, waiting for you and if you move your sorry ass, you can lose yourself in him in ten minutes, max.

Repeating Edward’s name over and over like a protective mantra, I gathered my things and unlocked the door. Once out, I remembered to lock the car before walking quickly away – but without running - to the exit of the parking lot. I even managed not to look back and straightened up, to appear unafraid. Still, as soon as I reached the well-illuminated street by our flat, I took support on the wall to catch my breath and calm my fast-beating heart.

God! I did it! FUCK YOU IRINA! FUCK YOU ROYCE!

Suddenly, I started laughing and laughing. Relief and happiness flooded through me: relief for my self and happiness at facing my fear. I had been scared of ghosts, but I was safe now. They had vanished. Everything would be just all right from now on.

Feeling exhilarated, I ran to the flat and banged the main door open. Rushing to the stairs, unwilling to wait for the elevator, I climbed them two steps at a time, up the four levels to reach our flat. I couldn’t wait to take Edward in my arms and share it with him.

Throwing the keys on the entrance table, I took out my shoes while looking for him.

“Edward, Love? Where are you?”

Looking in all the rooms, I quickly realized he wasn’t here. Disappointed, I took my phone and sent him a text message.

“I need you.”

Impatient for him to come back, I tried to find something to keep me occupied.

I am so sore. Maybe a shower would help me relax.

I was undressing and walking to the bathroom when my phone rang.

“Jasper?”

“Hey, Love. I’m home.”

“I’m on my way. You’re okay?”

“Yes. I am great, actually. I just can’t wait to see you.”

“I was with Emmett at the lake. I’ll be there in ten. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“If you really want to know, you’ll have to hurry up.”

He chuckled at my cheerful tone before adding, “I’d better run then”, and disconnected the call.

Grinning, I turned on the water to get it warm before plugging my phone to the bathroom sound system. I had always loved listening to music and dancing while showering. It was honestly one of my favorite things to do. Going through my play-lists, I skipped the melancholic ones before settling on something sexy but relaxing. The rhythm of the song was sensual, a bit tribal. Predatory. Stepping in the shower, I already imagined what I would do to Edward once he was here. Caressing his smooth and silky skin in rhythm with the music, slowly swinging my hips against his. Tongue deep in his mouth, chest against back, hands in his abs or his shaft and sweet delicious moans escaping his mouth and swallowed by me. I was growing hard just thinking about it.

Taking the soap, I lathered myself languidly, massaging my aching muscles, while swaying my body to the slow part of the music. This song was just so perfect, alternating soft with more intense moments. I smiled to myself when the tempo picked up, thinking how perfect it would be to pound into Edward. The song started again, coming back to the drumming part. My eyes closed and I became lost to the music, feeling the rain shower cascading down onto my naked body, hitting my shaft, which was now begging for attention.

You’ll have to wait for Edward.

I chuckled, feeling silly to actually talk to my cock. Seeing it bouncing around with the music made me laugh.

“Enjoying yourself?”

I turned, startled by Edward’s arrival. He was standing against the door, his arms crossed on his chest, a bit flushed, probably from running, but smiling. He looked like he had been observing me for a few minutes.

“Care to join me?”

He nodded, taking off his shoes while reaching for the phone to change the songs.

“Leave it. I like it.”

Shaking his head, amused, he got quickly undressed. I watched him get rid of his T-shirt, revealing his creamy chest and well-defined abs. He swung his hips while unbuckling his pants, smiling playfully at me. Edward had teased me a lot about my habit of listening to music while showering, until he sneaked in to see me dance and the view got him so excited that he joined me. Since then, the music had been an unspoken call for the other one to come and share some sensual moments under the rain shower.

Uncovering his long and lean legs, he stood naked in front of me and stopped swaying. My boy was suddenly feeling self-conscious, so I reached out and pulled him to me. His sweet giggle and the flagrant joy in his eyes had my heart fluttering. Taking his face in my hands, I looked at him. There was so much to see, if you took the time to observe. First, the striking color of his eyes: outline by gold, like a sun rising above a dense jungle, lighting the emerald leaves shining through hundreds of water drops. The color concentrated the closer you got to the pupil, enhancing to a darker shade of green. The one you can only find deep in the pine forest, where secrets are kept and legends are created. And then there was his intense gaze, expressing his love, his concern, still unsure of what was happening to me, but ready to fulfill any needs I might have. Even if all I wanted was to lose myself into his eyes and find shelter in this green alcove.

“I went to the parking lot and left the car there before walking home.”

I was trying to look nonchalant but studying his face cautiously to see his reaction. He didn’t make me wait long, as his eyes grew wide and his mouth hung open.

“You went to the parking lot? Alone?”

Smirking, I nodded. Feeling cocky about it was so easy now that I was safe at home with Edward, that I nearly rolled my eyes at myself.

You’re so full of shit, Jasper!

I was about to tell him how terrified I had really been when I saw his enamored and proud face.

God, he is so gorgeous.

Leaning closer to him, I brushed my lips against his. He sighed, his warm breath entering my mouth, enticing me to deepen the kiss. With one hand on his wet hair, I tilted his head before licking his tongue and nibbling at his lips. Kissing his jaw, I whispered, “I think I deserve a reward.”

He chuckled as my free hand glided down his back to find its favorite place on his firm ass cheeks. I pushed him against me, groaning at the feeling of his hard shaft rubbing against my hip. Gasping a little, he replied with lustful eyes, “You should claim it then.”

Letting go of his lips, I licked the drops of water down his neck to his collarbone and across to his shoulder, while turning to have my chest against his back. He leaned his head forward, giving me better access to the nape of his neck. His skin was so sensitive there that a brush of my stubble or a caress of my hand would make him shudder and whimper for more.

Never breaking contact with his skin, I sucked his delicate skin, leaving a purple mark on his ivory skin. Hot water was pouring over us, tiny droplets falling on our bodies that heightened our senses and arousal. With my hands on his hips, I pressed myself against his ass, inciting him to follow the rhythm of the song with me. Our slow movements nestled my shaft against his hole and the feeling of his naked skin against mine was sending shots of desire all though my body. Wrapped up in the music, we reached for each other’s lips, and kissed longingly while sliding against each other.

Moaning softly, Edward braced himself against the tiles of the shower, arching his back towards me. I leaned on him, passing my tongue over his wet spinal column until I reached the mark I left on him. I sucked at it again, hoping to get the mark a deeper red. My hands wandered on his body along with the slow rhythm of the piano, lazily drawing circle patterns on his sides and chest. And when the bass picked up the tempo, I bit his neck and accentuated the movements of my hips. Edward let out a low moan and a few shaky breaths that added a sensual chorus to the singer’s voice.

He turned his head towards me, eyes closed and tongue out, reaching for me. Bending more onto him, I caught it and tasted him. His whimper concluded the song, echoing in the suddenly silent bathroom.

As the melody started for the umpteenth time, Edward bit his lower lip and opened his eyes, showing me all his desperation.

“Take your reward, Jasper.”

Groaning, I kissed his temple, needing to be inside him, to feel protected by his warmth. Grabbing lube and condom, I quickly prepared him and myself, reveling in his gasps and mews.

No one can ever take this from me.

Growling approvingly, Edward pushed back on my fingers, letting me know that he was more than ready for me to claim him. I couldn’t help but tease him though, as I lingered against his hole without entering. His breathy pleas and moans were even more sensual than the song filling the room. When the music slowed to a stop before picking up the beat, I thrust into his narrow heat. He cried out and pushed back onto me, shoving me deeper. Leaning against him, I rested my forehead against his back. After lapping the drops of his skin, I moaned against his wet skin.

“Mine.”

I was trying to hold back my orgasm but being sheltered in my lovely boy, far from all the hate of the world, was making it emotionally difficult.

“I’m here. I’m yours. Just take me.”

Taking a deep breath, I let his love guide me and I pushed back into him. As I stroked continually at his sweet spot, I heard Edward’s lustful pleas fill the room. We were both so close to coming that the background song was completely forgotten. Focusing only on him, I captured his shaft in my hand, letting him rock himself on my fist and then back on my cock. He whimpered, clenching painfully tight onto me, urging my orgasm, until his hot cum streamed on my hand and mine filled the condom deep inside him.

Breathlessly, I fell onto his back as he flattened against the tiled wall. I could feel his heart pounding, responding to mine, telling me that I wasn’t alone. Wrapping my arms around his body, I clung onto him, my face nuzzling his neck while my cock stayed deep inside him.  His fingers found mine and he squeezed them, reassuring me silently.

Taking support on the wall, I finally pulled out of him, getting rid of the condom before pressing my back to the wall. My legs were shaking a little, exhausted. Edward seemed in the same state, as he slid down to the floor. I joined him, pulling him to me to cuddle him from behind. I wasn’t ready to let him go yet. He sighed contented, relaxing against me, his head on my shoulder. The rain shower washed away the remains of our cum, as we dozed off for a while.

“We need to change the song.”

I nodded, my nose brushing his ear.

“You should go, it is your phone.”

I chuckled at his attempt to stay put.

“You’ll have to move to let me out.”

He opened his eyes and smiled at me, before slowly moving to give me space to get up. Reluctantly, I stood up, rolling my eyes at him. I cringed on how sore my muscles were; it was even worse than before the shower. Very carefully, I stepped out and hobbled to the sound system.

Edward mumbled the song he wanted, so I complied with his lullaby-like choice and came back to him. I helped my sleepy boy up and decided to kiss him awake. I leisurely pressed my lips to his, drawing their shape with the tip of my tongue, before giving a peck on his nose. He looked so cute all languorous against me. My nose brushed against the side of his until his eyes flustered open, his lashes leaving butterfly’s kisses on my cheek. I kept him locked in my arms, unwilling to let him go until the water cooled down, forcing us to leave our haven.

Without a word, I turned it off and pulled him out of the shower. Smiling, I dried him off with a fleecy towel, paying extra attention to his thighs and ass. He then nibbled my collarbone while I toweled myself dry. I switched off the sound system and hand in hand, we walked naked to our room. Once on our bed, Edward snuggled into me, looking like a contented cat ready to purr. Nuzzling his hair, I breathed him in, closing my eyes to fully lose myself in his fresh and clean scent.

“You’re okay now?”

I nodded, enjoying the feeling of his fingers on my nipple and his breath on my skin. I was finally relaxed and so I had no desire to speak about what happened earlier. The whirlwind of emotions from this day had been exhausting and I just wanted to forget it all in his embrace. I was aware that after all the support and love Edward had given me, I should tell him something. Though, I really didn’t want to kill this moment of serenity.

“Let’s just say that I have a better understanding of the events that lead to my attack, and of whom I can and cannot trust. So I resigned.”

Propping himself onto me, he looked at me with a shocked face.

“You resigned?”

“Yes. I did it impulsively, but I think that is for the best.”

I stroked his face reassuringly, trying to convey that I was completely at peace with my decision.

“So you are free now?”

“Yes. In a way, I am. Free to do whatever I want, actually.”

“Do you know what you want to do?”

“No idea. I need to think about it all.”

He moved his hand to my hair, caressing the nape of my neck, while resting his head on my chest.

“Yeah, I know the feeling. But, you know, it is just hard to think here, surrounded by all our demons. I wish sometimes that I could go somewhere far to take a break.”

Going far… taking a trip and leaving all of this behind us for a while.

The more I thought about it, the more I loved the idea.

“Edward, what do you think of Paris?”

-- "Empty" & "Zombie" - Cranberries -- “Paradise Circus-Gui Boratto Remix” - Massive Attack -- "Pilots” - Goldfrapp

AN: Hugs and love to my two guardian angels OCDJen and Mrs. Agget, for pre-reading and betaing this chapter. And a special pink rose to my Fic-Sister Kerryn, and a red one to my RL Hubby for listening and plotting with me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.